Failed… it’s not a word you ever want to hear really is it? Failed an Exam, failed your driving test, failed at what ever. But failed surgery? I of course knew the risks before I had the operation, but you never ever think something isn’t going to work, you always hope for the best, that’s what we as humans do.
So why did i feel like id been shot in the heart and punched in the stomach all at the same time… This wasnt supposed to happen – it was supposed to fix me, I was supposed to be better by now, i was supposed to be back to my old self – all these new emotions came flooding from some galaxy far away, and along with that the tears, followed by anger. What the heck was i supposed to do now!?
For a long time after, i seemed to shut myself off, I didn’t want to think about it, talk about it, or even have it, after all i had failed, my back had failed me – I didn’t know how to get out of this. I was stuck at the bottom of a dark endless hole, screaming for someone to help. Nobody came.
The surgeons answer – The Pain Clinic. The Dr was so nice, he too was shocked to see someone of my age sitting in front of him. The way forward… Injections, Facet Joint, Nerve Blocks, Nerve Burning and Spinal Epidural. Ok i thought, lets give this a go, its got to work, after this ill be back to normal again. So there i was signing myself up for my first spinal injection. A while later, im back in the same hospital, only a few doors up from the room i was in only a few months ago, putting on the hospital gown, and being wheeled to the theatre.
Now your awake, or pretty much awake for these injections, your sedated. You can hear “subconsciously” everything that’s going on, but your off in another little world, where everything is lovely, rosy, pink and fluffy (well that was my images!). Lying on your front with a pillow under your stomach, people talking above you, then a little bit of pressure and moving about , and bang, you’re in the recovery room being asked how your feeling and being asked to show the nurse your wound – what the – that was quick! Once i was back in my room, i was able to get something to eat and drink, and only if i could keep it down would i be allowed home. Success – Discharged 3 hours after im back from surgery. Time to get dressed and get out of here and feel normal again. WOW – who the hell was dancing on my back while i was out of it, more to the point who had cut me in half and stuck me back together again.
I was told to give it at least a week before id start to feel any difference, and to rest for 2-3 days and do nothing strenuous – after all i did just have a needle in my spine. Id then see the surgeon again in 3 weeks to review how i was. 10 days passed, and i still felt awful, the pain was horrible, but the pain that i had before the injection, well that was still there too – maybe it just needs a couple more days. My 3 week review. I was examined from head to toe, poked and prodded, knees bent this way and that way – then the words – FAILED. I’m sitting there staring at him, burning a hole in him with my stare, and trying to hold back the tears! This WAS supposed to work – for god sake, how many times do i need to hear this word.
Over the next year or so, I received 4 injections in total, each different, each time I took 2 weeks off work, and each time i had a review 3 or 4 weeks after, and each time i was told they had failed. Never mind being shot in the heart and punched in the stomach, he may aswell have just ripped my heart out and thrown it away.
How much failures can one person take. How much heartache could I cope with. Id built myself up for each injection, thinking that this was the one that would be the miracle cure, and each time it was a total and utter let down. Why? What had i done that was so bad, that nothing wanted to work?
The surgeon then came to the decision that unless i wanted to repeat the injections again, he had done all he could for me, and that was it he was stuck as to what to try next, there was nothing he could try next. So for the second time, im being told the same thing again.
Heartbroken and at a complete loss, i left. I sat in the car and broke down – id pretty much been given a life sentence, only there was no trial, there was no defence team or a judge – just me, little old me.
How do i deal with this…….?