For a good few months, after everything failed, i had no idea how to cope. How was I just supposed to get on with my life? It had changed and not for the better. How was I supposed to just live with this, who the hell could live their life like this, this was no life for anyone. I had all these questions but nobody to ask. Nobody I knew had ever dealt with this type of problem before, so what was I supposed to do now?
I guess over time, once everything had sunk in, I just got on with things. I had to, I couldn’t do anything else but just get on with life. I was back at work, but had to reduce my hours to part-time, but atleast I was still working, something to keep my mind going. The commute was by no means easy, 1 hour there, 1 hour home after a 5 hour day. I’d spend the rest of my day in bed, making sure I was recovered and rested enough to get to work the following day, I wasn’t fit enough to do anything else, but it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing either. Why should I be in bed, in pain, feeling so sick and tired, this wasn’t living, it was surviving.
Over the years that followed, I learned to adapt in my every day routine. Even down to how I got my socks on, how I got in the car, what shelf the milk was on in the fridge, how I sat on the sofa, how I got up the stairs, and how I slept. Everything you take for granted daily was now having to be planned, sometimes in advance.
It wasn’t just my life that changed, my husband’s did too. It was like learning about each other all over again, from the start. Learning what worked and didn’t work (most of the time what didn’t!!). What I could do, but then having to rely on him when I did too much. This wasn’t how I planned married life to be. Having him get me in and out of bed, off the toilet, off the sofa, helping me to get dressed. This wasn’t what he signed up for, and I didn’t want him to have to go through this. I remember the day as clearly as it can be, when I told him I’d understand if he wanted to walk away. Of course I didn’t want this, i love him, but was this “new” life really fair, especially on him. Of course (and thankfully!!) he reassured me he wasn’t going anywhere. I guess I was taking the “In sickness and in health” vow seriously!
Life went on, months turned in to years. I was coping. I had mind numbing pain every day. Constant pain that takes over your mind, the sort that politely taps you on the shoulder to remind you it’s still there when you think your having a good spell. I was determined that this back of mine wasn’t going to stop me, I wanted to be normal, and normal was what I was going to be. I’d carry with things like I used to do, do way too much, then end up in bed for weeks at a time, but still have to drive and go to work. It seemed I never learned my limit (and still don’t to this day) but I was so determined this back wasn’t going to stop me living my life. I was in survival mode. I had to survive this, there was no other option.
Sitting in front of my doctor in 2014, in floods of tears, agonising pain, I could barely speak and breath it hurt so much. I already knew what had happened, I guess I needed him to confirm it. I told him, something’s wrong, I know something’s wrong, please tell me I’m right.
I was right. My disc had gone again, the same one.
Here we go again……..