Recovery and my Future – Chronic Pain

  

2014 wasn’t a great year, yes I’d had the 2nd operation, yes I was feeling better this time round. I could walk a lot better (not so much of a limp) and felt so much better in myself, but the pain, the pain wouldn’t stop.  Every day it took over my brain, I couldn’t function, this time round the pain was worse. 

Around October I woke up in agony, I couldn’t walk, I was being sick the pain was just crippling me.  I got an emergency appointment at the doctor who examined me and said that my back had gone in to a major spasm, and it needed to calm down, so he would give me Diazepam, just a short course.  Now I HATE taking tablets, and have always managed to cope with the pain by taking paracetamol and things like that, but this was stronger tablets and I wasn’t having them.  I was in tears, shouting and swearing at the doctor (not because it was his fault), because I didn’t want them, I have never ever wanted to take strong painkillers, but somehow I didn’t have much option, my brain was telling me to take them, my heart was stubborn, but I ended up having to take them, just so I could sleep. They worked. I got better, I got sleep and I started to be able to function, well as good as I did before.  

I’d had another MRI scan during the later months of the year too, as my GP was worried my intense pain was due to the disc slipping again, thankfully the results were clear, there was no disc slippage, but also still no explanation for this pain. What the heck was going on, why was it this bad, why couldn’t someone help me and explain it!!

So January 2015 came, still the same pain. 7 months now and I felt like I was trapped in this stupid body, screaming to get out, surely my surgeon will have a plan of action this time, he’s got to, he’s got to be able to explain this.  Sitting there on my own, he asked how I was, I said better in myself, but the pain was still the same as the previous times I’d seen him.  Now he did say that I’d take a long time to recover from the surgery, my scar had been opened up and I’d had 2 major operations, so ok, I’ll put it down to that…for now.

Then the words, “Katrina, I’m really sorry, but there’s nothing else I can do for you”.  What!!  Rip my heart out right there and then why don’t you!  I wasn’t prepared for that, we were going to be discussing other treatments, where on earth did this come from.  Sitting there alone was the loneliest feeling in the world. My surgeon was/is fantastic, but I felt numb, I wanted to just crawl in to the corner of the room and cry. Maybe if I protested, he’d help me, there’s got to be something else.  No, there’s nothing else.

Walking to the car by myself I was holding the tears in, waiting to get in the car.  I got in, sat there and screamed and cried, all my emotions hit all at once and I had nobody to get angry with.  Pull yourself together I thought, get your ass home and deal with it then.  Now I’m a music driver, and by that I mean, the music as loud as possible and sing my heart out, and believe me I belted out every song that came on from my iPod, I guess it was a distraction, one that I desperately needed. To this day, I have no idea how I got home, I can’t remember the journey, only the sore throat at the end of the over an hour journey.

I came out of that consultation with more diagnosis/issues, on top of Chronic Pain and Degenerative Disc Disease.

There’s that word again, Failed. My spine is failing me, and now there’s not a thing I can do about it, other than get on with my life. My life…… Is this really my life forever….. It would appear so.

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