Ever since that final consultation, I’ve tried to get on with my life the only way I know how, block it out. I guess you could say denial. In my heart I know that’s it, there is nothing else, my head knows that too, only if I let my head think about it too much, I’m not sure of my reaction. Would I ever stop crying, how angry would I get, all those feelings and emotions I never thought I’d have to deal with, I’m suddenly faced with.
People around me often say how strong I am, that I’m always smiling, and never moan about this back of mine, but they only see the outside. I have to be strong, I have to smile, it’s my way of coping, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t get out of bed or leave the house. My face might have a smile, but my heart is broken, and somewhere inside I’m crying, my soul is crying, but I can’t show that, I have to be strong, there is no other choice.
Every day I’m asked “how are you” or “are you ok”, which is great, I guess it means people still care. The answer. “I’m fine”. Always. I’m not the only person that says this, I know many people that say the same. It’s easy. Easier than telling someone exactly how you feel, going in to detail, because after all they aren’t interested, they didn’t ask for your life story, they just asked a simple question, so it’s easier to give a simple answer, “I’m fine”.
I’m learning that every day is different now, I can’t plan ahead, I have to take things day by day. For example, I can’t arrange to meet a friend for lunch at the weekend, because what happens if I’m not able that day, I hate letting people down. I can’t just go and do the shopping, it has to be a planed event, I have to try and miss the aisles I don’t need anything from just so I can’t get out and get home. I hate crowded places, so avoid them.
I also need to learn my limits, something I’m VERY bad at (just ask my husband!!). Things I used to be able to do without any thought, now either take lots of planning or I’m unable to do them, or I need help. Im a determined person, and I need to get over that and ask for help, but it’s not in my nature, I’ve always been independent, so why should this back be stopping me, I did it before, so I can do it now. But I can’t.
Life is very different now, if you’d told me 5 years ago that this would have happened, I would have laughed in your face. But who’s laughing now. I never ever imagined that my husband would have to dress and undress me, help me off the floor, off the toilet, help me out of bed. That just wasn’t and isn’t in my life plan. I guess I’m using up the “in sickness..” vow I made nearly 5 years ago!
I like to think I’m a hell of a lot stronger of a person now, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve dealt with it, even if that’s been in my own way and taken time. Even if I’ve shed bucket loads of tears, threw a few things in anger, I’m still here, broken, but I’m still here.
I guess that’s the appropriate word, I’m broken, but that doesn’t mean I ready for the scrap heap. I’m still here and fighting, every day is a new battle and challenge, and I have to take that on, head on and win. Nobody said it’s an easy path, there’s loads of potholes, twists and turns on my path, but this is my life now and those potholes won’t stop me.
What happens next.. I don’t have the answers, I guess I’m still searching.