Today, Sunday 21st June is 1 year to the day of my second back surgery. In a way I guess you could call it my 1st anniversary.
It’s been a year. A whole year. A year since I was on the operating table being cut open and having bits cut of my spine again. But it’s also been a year of recovery. A year I have tried so damned hard every day to get better. If I think about it in a different way, I’ve also come a long way in a year. A year ago I was in a lot of pain and facing a long recovery, exercises, more adapting and change. And I’m still here!
I can’t say it’s been an easy year, I’ve had a lot of challenges thrown my way, lots of new things to try to deal with, stress to cope with and recovering enough to return to work. Trying to still be a wife and trying to keep hold of the person I once was. It’s hard. It still is hard. I’m by no means at the end of my recovery, I still have a long way to go, but if the last year has shown me anything, it’s that I CAN do it. I have got this far and I just need to keep going. I can make it. *insert determined face here!*
Everyday I face reminders of my pain, every day I deal with that reminder and wait for the next to arrive. These reminders come when you can be doing the simplest of tasks. For example doing your weekly food shop and having to ask the person for help with packing but not to pack the bags too heavy because you can’t lift them, then barely being able to lift them to the trolley, let alone loading and unloading them to/from the car. Now here comes the reminder:- “I did this with no issues before”, or “I could carry bags upon bags at a time before”. This makes me sad and mourn for the life I have lost, but along with that comes anger and frustration at what my life has become. I’m weak. I’m not that person anymore. How do you live with that?
There will always be “anniversaries” and these also act as reminders. It’s a reminder of the pain you were in to the pain you have now. It’s a reminder of the struggle you faced then, to the struggles you face now. It’s how we deal with these reminders that’s important. If you live in the past and allow these things to bring you down, you will never move on. You will never learn to deal with your future and everything will continue to build up till one day you explode.
I will never forget the dates of my surgeries, how can I when those dates were the days that changed my life, the dates that marked a new direction I was forced to take. But I can’t dwell on those dates, what good will that do me!? Instead I can focus on how far I have come and be proud of myself for the journey I’ve taken and the journey still ahead. Look to the future, or atleast that’s the plan.