Have you ever sat back and watched, while the whole world seems to just carry on as normal? Everyone going about their day just as they normally would, doing things they normally would without a second thought.
When you suffer from Chronic Pain, the world doesn’t stop just because you feel awful that day, the world has to carry on, unfortunately, that’s just what happens. But when you see people doing things, things that I used to do not so long ago, it cripples you.
Most people I know go to the Gym, keep fit, exercise, even just go for a walk. I used to. I never gave it a second thought before this pain happened, now I miss it. “Miss the Gym!?” you say!? Yes! As sad as it may sound I do miss being able to exercise, just like a normal person would. I used to go for walks, and never thought about it, it was what I did and I could do it, now going for walks means part of my Physio exercises. I can’t just “go” for a walk anymore, and I miss that, I miss the freedom, the fresh air amongst everything else. Now it cripples me and i take days and sometimes weeks to recover if I do too much walking! What’s that about, for god sake it’s just walking!!
Part of my problem is my determination to hold on to the person I once was, and I don’t think that’s especially a bad thing, I think it’s only natural, but it does get me in to trouble most of the time. I’m so determined to be and still be the same person, that I’ll start doing something I once was fit for, determined to see it through, till either I suddenly realise “oh sh*t I can’t do this” or I’m stopped by someone (usually the husband, with the stern voice shouted in my direction!). I want to be normal, why the hell cant i just do normal things. Frustration. Walk away and get angry with myself.
It pains me so much to have to ask anyone for help just to do a simple thing, even picking up something from the floor I’ve dropped for example, most of the time I can’t bend down to get it, so then “can I get some help” is usually echoed through the house, with “yes, I’m coming” echoing back!
Maybe I can cling on to me, maybe I can’t. But if I don’t try, how will I know. I can’t give up, but I can’t keep missing out, especially missing out on life……..