When you live with chronic pain day in day out, you learn to live with expected pain. It’s inevitable. No matter what you do it subtly reminds you with a smack in the face that, yep, it’s still there, hasn’t gone away, no matter how much you thought/prayed it had.
Pain, and chronic pain at that, doesn’t and never will take a holiday, unfortunately.
So you learn to live with the fact that more than likely, no matter what you do, you’ll be in pain. Sometimes thats as simple as getting showered or even getting dressed. But then the opposite end of the scale can be overdoing it. Pushing yourself way past any limit you can handle. Pain. It will happen.
So what about the unexpected pain. Me personally, it’s the worst pain to deal with, it’s the things nightmares are made of. No joke. Seriously.
The pain that just happens all of a sudden, from the depths of hell it seems, and takes every ounce of strength you have left not to cave in and let it defeat you. The worst pain imaginable to me, with chronic pain.
Today, for example, I was getting out of the car, just as I normally would (although in an adapted way nowadays!), and CRACK. And I don’t just mean a little crack, I mean the loudest crack I’ve ever heard, ever. Stuck half in/half out of the car, it took all my might to get back in and close the door. But when I did, the scream of pain was blood curdling. Then the “I’m going to be sick and pass out” feeling came through me like a tidal wave and inevitably the tears started. This might sound ridiculous, but with the painfull loudness of the “crack” my back went out with, I actually thought I’d snapped in half (I told you ridiculous!!), and I even started checking to make sure i was still “whole”.
It’s these kind of attacks I mean. How do you prepare yourself for that? You would almost never leave the comfort of your bed if that was to happen every day. And to me, yes this mostly happens every day. If I have to leave the house, I pretty much have to psych myself up for something like this happening to me, even in general public.
Surely I can’t go on like this? The pure fear of embarrassment. Fear that one day it might be so bad that I really do hurt myself. Fear of leaving the comfort of my own home. Fear of being in public just in case anything happens. Complete fear.
I can’t live like that?!