Slowly I’m learning that this chronic pain journey isn’t a simple one, there’s always something that’s a game changer.
So for this last month, I’ve had excrutiating pain, way higher than usual and it all started with a snapping noise from my lower back. A noise and feeling I’ve never had till now and one that scared the absolute crap out of me. Checking to see if your top half is still attached to your bottom half is not something i thought I’d ever have to do. But I did. Pleased to report im still whole… ish.
Since that one Sunday it’s happened every week, and it bloody hurts! So something isn’t right, and usually I might have a fair idea what it might be. I know when my disc has slipped again and I know when the disc is on my sciatic nerve, that kind of pain will never leave you, it haunts you, so when it returns you know what it is, but this time I don’t know what it is.
Feeling like Im being stabbed in the lower left of my back with pain down my left leg, being physically sick because the pain is so intense m, and generally feeling really rubbish all at the same time! But also when lying down, feeling like I’m laying on golf balls, is not right is it?
So I’m going back to see my ever so helpful *insert sarcastic tone here* GP this week. So why am I dreading it? You’d think I’d be eager to know what’s going on? Wrong! I of course I want to know what’s going on, it could be serious but it maybe isn’t. If somethings going to happen with this back of mine, then it will happen, I can’t stop it or slow it down, it will inevitably happen, and that’s what I’ve learned to face. Deal with whatever it is, when it happens.
So what do I dread? It’s the whole process, the pitty party she brings to the table. The “your coping really well speech”. The “your fat – get some exercise and it will all be fine” words spilling from her mouth or the “have you tried yoga” suggestion. It’s exhausting and I haven’t even seen her yet. I hate the looks of so called sympathy and especially the “I don’t know” face, so here take this tablet” moment.
But also the whole process of trying to explain to someone that hasn’t got the slightest clue as to your pain levels and about this change of pain, that it’s not just “in my head” it’s real, I just can’t be bothered with it. It actually makes me quite anxious at the thought of this appointment already!
I don’t want to just be ushered out the door with a prescription for some new tablet, I want someone to understand and listen to me without passing judgement. I want her to actually help me, tell me what she thinks is wrong, not just leave me to it like they have all done in the past. Is that too much to ask for? I want a doctor, that’s the whole reason I booked an appointment. I’m not drug seeking, I want help.
I think most of all, I just want some answers as to what this extra pain might be, and help/support. I’m struggling really badly at the moment, and it can’t go on like this. I’m not myself, and I hate that. This pain is changing me.