To those I’ve lost during my battle with Chronic Pain….
It’s horrible, this constant pain, every day I battle just to keep going. Wanting to scream one second, then cry the next, but not being able to, not being able to show my true pain in front of you, because you don’t seem to understand or even care. It’s hard keeping these emotions in, but what choice do I have? Explaining to a deaf ear or bottomless feeling isn’t worth what energy I have left. I have always said that I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Not even you.
Perhaps because you didn’t know what to say or do to help me is the reason you walked away. The reason I don’t hear from you anymore. I get that. All I can say is sorry. I’m sorry I’m not the person I used to be. Im sorry I’m not as fun and out going as I used to be. My life has changed. I didn’t ask for this change, but I had hoped you’d still be by my side. I would probably question myself in that situation too, but surely our friendship meant you could have tried?
Its true what they say – when time’s are hard, you know who your friends are. Those that stick by you. Those that ask if your ok, and make an effort to check on you. Those new friends you have made, but (have yet) never met, but still support you every day. New friends and true friends.
Thank you for opening my eyes though, because when you walked away, so did my need to fight to keep our friendship. I learnt that it shouldn’t be one sided, there shouldn’t need to be effort to make a friendship work and last. But you still chose to walk away regardless.
I am however much stronger now, I can do things without you, you gave me that, so thank you. I now only fight to keep what I need. My strength, courage and dignity. I have no room for anything else. I don’t have time for fakeness, I’m too busy faking a smile to the world. I’m too busy concentrating on me.
So thank you for showing up for the good bits, I’m sorry you didn’t stick around to see how the next chapter evolves.
Your former friend