To you, my friend.

To those I’ve lost during my battle with Chronic Pain….

It’s horrible, this constant pain, every day I battle just to keep going.  Wanting to scream one second, then cry the next, but not being able to, not being able to show my true pain in front of you, because you don’t seem to understand or even care.  It’s hard keeping these emotions in, but what choice do I have? Explaining to a deaf ear or bottomless feeling isn’t worth what energy I have left.  I have always said that I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Not even you.

Perhaps because you didn’t know what to say or do to help me is the reason you walked away. The reason I don’t hear from you anymore.  I get that.  All I can say is sorry.  I’m sorry I’m not the person I used to be.  Im sorry I’m not as fun and out going as I used to be.  My life has changed.  I didn’t ask for this change, but I had hoped you’d still be by my side.  I would probably question myself in that situation too, but surely our friendship meant you could have tried? 

Its true what they say – when time’s are hard, you know who your friends are.  Those that stick by you.  Those that ask if your ok, and make an effort to check on you.  Those new friends you have made, but (have yet) never met, but still support you every day. New friends and true friends.

Thank you for opening my eyes though, because when you walked away, so did my need to fight to keep our friendship.  I learnt that it shouldn’t be one sided, there shouldn’t need to be effort to make a friendship work and last.  But you still chose to walk away regardless. 

I am however much stronger now, I can do things without you, you gave me that, so thank you.  I now only fight to keep what I need.  My strength, courage and dignity.  I have no room for anything else.  I don’t have time for fakeness, I’m too busy faking a smile to the world.  I’m too busy concentrating on me.

So thank you for showing up for the good bits, I’m sorry you didn’t stick around to see how the next chapter evolves.  

Best wishes

Your former friend

  

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7 thoughts on “To you, my friend.

  1. Oh hunnie, I know… It’s tough, but you are strong, if they didn’t stick when it mattered they’re probably not real friends anyway. You’ve outgrown them, it’s time for new ones. Keeeeeep Knitting! Love, me xxx

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  2. Very well said Kat! Best wishes from a Scottish mans journey with chronic pain. It’s so interesting that when I read this I thought why can’t I create a post that is so clear, focused and balanced about my pain. I can write about painting (my personal coping mechanism), local news, sport but health, my health I just can’t do it. It’s like suddenly I stop processing the emotion and suddenly change into the third person with “we”. Even this is more than I have said about pain but it hurts. It hurts the body, it hurts the mind, it hurts my family’s minds daily. it’s never ending and we need to find a way to cope, we need to self manage. Infact I was at the pain clinic last week, I was told that “there are no more tools in the toolbox”. That was stated very slowly, calmly and with great empathy, it was however the update that I had expected from in my opinion a great consultant. The support structures that exist for so many other illnesses simply does not exist with chronic pain. There is a lot to be said about holistic treatments but after so many years I simply can’t afford them and there is no money for combining the treatment of chronic pain.
    So while I know that art keeps my going I hope to be able to share more of my journey with chronic pain since 2008. Kat you might have helped me make the next step. Thank you.
    To a healthy world gone by, changed in a blink of an eye, that then morphed into a body that chips away at your soul night and day it’s hard to put into words. We will just have to try regardless! (I meant the last “we”.) http://www.scottsibbald.co.uk

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    1. Hi Scott! Lovely to talk to you, and thank you for leaving such a lovely comment! You are so right, support structures don’t seem to exist for chronic pain. I have a few friends that go to groups, but here in Scotland there doesn’t seem to be anything like that. That’s what makes this journey so hard, being left alone! But I’m glad that I have helped you take the next step, don’t be put off by sharing your story. You never know who it might help, and who you might meet along the way! I look forward to reading your posts! Xx

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  3. It’s amazing the things you find when aimlessly exploring Facebook when you can’t sleep! I am so glad I came across this post…it’s like you are writing about my life and experience with friends since suffering what is now chronic pain. I helps to know one is not alone so I thank you and wish you well for the future xx

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