Never knowing what pain was, and I mean like really was, it wasn’t something I had ever thought about, or even had the slightest clue about.
Sure I fell off my bike, got stitches in my below and a tetanus in my ass. I have been bitten on the leg by a dog, and got another tetanus in my ass. I’ve even had my tonsils out and an operation on my wrist. But that pain is nothing. That pain is temporary, eventually it will go away, even though at the time it doesnt feel like it.
So my reasons I suck at Chronic pain:
- I lie. I never tell the truth about how much I hurt. Most of the time I can’t be bothered to explain, and most of the time its because the person asking isn’t really that bothered about the answer. So I lie, nod my head, smile and say “I’m Fine”.
- Short Fuse. Since having this pain constantly for so many years, my patience has worn unbelievably thin. I can’t stand BS, don’t have time for fake people and especially rude people. It winds me up, stresses me out, and basically there’s no need, so i keep away from it all.
- Patience. Like I said above, I have less patience, but definately less patience with myself. I get so unbelievably frustrated at myself, and so incredibly angry at myself. I have this constant daily argument in my head, and nobody ever wins.
- Pretending. Every day i pretend I’m doing fine, if I’m asked “how are you” the response is always “I’m fine”. But those that are close to me can see through this charade, and know damn fine I’m trying to gloss over the fact I’m not ok.
- Smile. If in doubt, Smile. If you smile, nobody asks how you are, because they presume you are doing great, and that’s fine, but just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m ok. I usually smile when I’m in excrutiating pain, because what else is there to do. I shouldn’t smile…..
- I’m the same. This is the biggest thing I suck at. I’m not the same. I’m not the able person I was. Every day I push my luck, and try to get away with what I used to manage to do, then can’t do it, get angry at myself and the vicious circle begins. But I never learn. I’ll be determined that one day I’ll do that “thing again” but in reality I probably never will.
So yeah I pretty much suck at this whole chronic pain thing, but I’m getting better. I guess I’ve had a few years to try to get used to it all, but I will ever get used to it? Why should this stupid pain become me and define the person I am? I am more than pain, and I’m definately more than “Kat with the knackered back”. So why pretend? Why get used to the pain? Why should I have to?
I SUCK, but more so – Chronic Pain SUCKS!