I’m not SuperWoman 

Nope, I’m really not.  I have no powers. Certainly no Superhuman strength or speed or even able to fly (although wouldn’t that be fantastic!) so therefore I am not Superwoman. *sad face*. 
But yet, it seems I’m determined to be a version of her.  

I need to remember I am not capable of achieving everything I set out to do in a day.  Yes, I once did, but not now.  I can’t clean the whole house in a morning, go shopping, do the washing, and everything else in between.  So why the hell do I keep doing it to myself.  Why do I keep thinking I can?

That’s the problem. I did.  I used to.  And that’s what sticks with me.  I used to be able to carry 3 shopping bags at once, without even thinking about it.  Now I can’t, I can barely carry one.  But I used to carry 3.  So if I did it before, I can do it now, because I managed before, therefore I can manage now, right?  WRONG….
  

Part of the problem, is also the front I continue to put on.  If I look ok on the outside, those around me presume I’m ok, that the pain has magically disappeared and I’m normal again. WRONG.

How do I show those around me that I’m not as capable as I once was, without becoming a blubbering mess and them not actually giving a toss?  I have to say NO.  I have to pick and choose what I do and that’s not through choice, do you think that’s easy to do? I have to prepare.  I have to do nothing, just to prepare.  But sometimes NO doesn’t seem to be enough for people. 

It doesn’t matter what I have planned, be it a meal out, lunch, shopping, it all has to be planned.  I hate plans.  But because of those “plans”, behind the scenes and the front that the world sees, is ME. The worrying myself sick that if I do too much one day I’m not going to able to make those plans.  Stressing myself out because I’m worried of hurting myself, which inevitably makes me even more ill.  I never want to say No, I never want to cancel plans, but most of the time I have no choice. But the rest of the time, yes, that’s the front I put on.  The happy me that doesn’t look like Im in pain, the front that keeps smiling and going. The hope that you will see through my false happy glare and just be there for me.  The one that’s says “I’m fine”.

 
But it doesn’t end there, behind closed doors, the side you don’t see, the side I don’t let you see, and the side you’re not interested in – The crippled me trying to get out of the car, because I have sat too long.  Trying to walk and stay up straight just to get to the house, hoping that I make it.  Having to call on my husband because I can’t get to the loo, and then can’t get off the loo.  Spending the rest of the day lying down, in agony. 

Superwoman?  Yeah that’s me.  The mess lying on the sofa, not able to move, the angry tears running down my face because of the pain, the change of clothes because I’ve not made it to the loo on time.  The despair running through my veins, that this will never end. The never ending beating myself up mentally. 

But tomorrow, I will be ok, I’ll get up and put that front on. Because that’s the side you see, that’s the side I choose to show, because annoyingly, that’s the only side people choose to see.  

I’ll keep going, and maybe some day those superhuman strength powers will come my way……
 

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29 thoughts on “I’m not SuperWoman 

  1. This makes me feel so sad, please don’t ever pretend for me. And you are superwoman in my eyes. I know the front and the pains. I hear you. Love you xxx

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I used to sew or embroider a lot, that was a kind of therapy for me when I first became disabled with the chronic pain. Now it’s writing, drawing, learning. I miss having female friends to spend time with. The women at the local embroidery group were very welcoming but I’ve been ill with bronchitis and then it’s the exhaustion. I’m usually done with my day at 7pm!

        Sorry, I can’t remember…do you have the hair bows on your blog? I’d like to see them. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweetheart, you ARE superwoman. We all are. What we have to do to get through a day is nothing short of miraculous.
    I am saddened reading this because I am the same. I had devastating news yesterday about my illnesses but I will no doubt still put on my persona, as I call it, when I am up to going out again. It’s often the easiest way as I, and I’m sure we, don’t want to become our illnesses and having to constantly explain really doesn’t help.
    Look after yourself Sweet and here’s a special Welsh cwtch just for you.
    Cath xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I guess we are SuperWoman in some shape or form, but trying to explain to other that we can’t do everything all at once is hard going, especially when they see the “I’m fine” side. It’s exhausting trying to be the person you once were. I hope you are ok, please let me know if you want to talk, I’m thinking of you, xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Kat. I think when I feel strong enough I will blog to get it out of my system. I will try to force myself to put a positive spin on it or if that fails, sarcasm! This is where blogging can really help I think. I don’t want to be a moaner so I sit back and look for the silver linings and funny things when I’m writing. It keeps me going. Also, sometimes brutal honesty scares everyone away and I want to support people not scare them.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ok, that’s a good idea, I look forward to reading it, but only when you feel up to it of course! Sarcasm, yes, like my best friend!! It’s a fine line between honesty and scaring people, but one thing I have learned is why sugar coat things? X

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Such a heart felt piece, and it describes life in chronic pain perfectly, I quite literally feel your pain and wish you some relief whatever form it takes. I hope you have more spoons today than yesterday, but less than tomorrow

    Liked by 1 person

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