I’m not SuperWoman

Nope, I’m really not.  I have no powers. Certainly no Superhuman strength or speed or even able to fly (although wouldn’t that be fantastic!) so therefore I am not Superwoman. *sad face*. 
But yet, it seems I’m determined to be a version of her.  

I need to remember I am not capable of achieving everything I set out to do in a day.  Yes, I once did, but not now.  I can’t clean the whole house in a morning, go shopping, do the washing, and everything else in between.  So why the hell do I keep doing it to myself.  Why do I keep thinking I can?

That’s the problem. I did.  I used to.  And that’s what sticks with me.  I used to be able to carry 3 shopping bags at once, without even thinking about it.  Now I can’t, I can barely carry one.  But I used to carry 3.  So if I did it before, I can do it now, because I managed before, therefore I can manage now, right?  WRONG….
  

Part of the problem, is also the front I continue to put on.  If I look ok on the outside, those around me presume I’m ok, that the pain has magically disappeared and I’m normal again. WRONG.

How do I show those around me that I’m not as capable as I once was, without becoming a blubbering mess and them not actually giving a toss?  I have to say NO.  I have to pick and choose what I do and that’s not through choice, do you think that’s easy to do? I have to prepare.  I have to do nothing, just to prepare.  But sometimes NO doesn’t seem to be enough for people. 

It doesn’t matter what I have planned, be it a meal out, lunch, shopping, it all has to be planned.  I hate plans.  But because of those “plans”, behind the scenes and the front that the world sees, is ME. The worrying myself sick that if I do too much one day I’m not going to able to make those plans.  Stressing myself out because I’m worried of hurting myself, which inevitably makes me even more ill.  I never want to say No, I never want to cancel plans, but most of the time I have no choice. But the rest of the time, yes, that’s the front I put on.  The happy me that doesn’t look like Im in pain, the front that keeps smiling and going. The hope that you will see through my false happy glare and just be there for me.  The one that’s says “I’m fine”.

 
But it doesn’t end there, behind closed doors, the side you don’t see, the side I don’t let you see, and the side you’re not interested in – The crippled me trying to get out of the car, because I have sat too long.  Trying to walk and stay up straight just to get to the house, hoping that I make it.  Having to call on my husband because I can’t get to the loo, and then can’t get off the loo.  Spending the rest of the day lying down, in agony. 

Superwoman?  Yeah that’s me.  The mess lying on the sofa, not able to move, the angry tears running down my face because of the pain, the change of clothes because I’ve not made it to the loo on time.  The despair running through my veins, that this will never end. The never ending beating myself up mentally. 

But tomorrow, I will be ok, I’ll get up and put that front on. Because that’s the side you see, that’s the side I choose to show, because annoyingly, that’s the only side people choose to see.  

I’ll keep going, and maybe some day those superhuman strength powers will come my way……