Wobble

Easy? Nothing about a Life with Chronic Pain is easy. Nothing.

 When I was first diagnosed with all my back problems, and then realised that none of them were going to go away over time, no matter how much surgery I had or wishful thinking I put in, I went in to denial mode.  

Denial. It’s probably the most dangerous emotion I had (besides anger of course!!).  I went in to over drive, denied all knowledge of ever being told that I was probably going to get worse over time, that I was no longer healthy, fit and able.  I blocked it all out, everything.  I carried on as if nothing had ever happened. Big mistake.

Anger. Like opening a flood gate, it hit me like a tidal wave of water knocking me to my feet.  Angry at myself, my past, my future, people, life, everything. What on earth did I do to deserve this life? Why was this the life chosen for me? 

Giving up.  Never ever have I wanted to give up before, never in my life.  I have always seen something through to the end,  I hate leaving anything unfinished, it has to be done, or it unsettles me.  I never give up. Atleast not till now.

A way out.  It would be so easy to take the easy way out.  I have enough medication to knock out a rhinoceros, so it would definately work on me.  I could drive straight in to a brick wall.  It would all be over. No more pain, no more hurting? 

I found myself having all of these emotions all at once last week.  My latest GP appointment, was such a disappointment.  I had built myself up so much, the anxiety took over.  I went in with my notes and questions, ready and primed.  What was I met with? “I’m really sorry but there’s nothing we can do”, oh and of course the”pitty” look on her face. 

At a complete and utter loss at what I was going to do now, I sat in the car. Tears flowing down my face.  At that moment, all I wanted to do was sleep.  Sleep forever. Never wake up.  And at that moment the exhaustion had kicked in, my energy drained away with each tear that fell down my face, I had nothing else to give.  

I drove home, but for those 4 miles, I had talked myself in to and out of ending it right then and there so many times.  I found myself listing the pro’s and con’s of carrying on with this pain, carrying on with this stupid life.  Before I knew it I was home.  Parked, sitting in the car, lost.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had any dark thoughts like these, but none have ever been as clear as they were at that moment.  

But you know what? I drove home. I got home.  I made it without driving in to a wall or a tree. Im still here.

I could never ever leave this world, not like that.  I have too much to loose.  But that doesn’t stop me having a wobble now and then, and if I didn’t have a wobble, I’d probably have a breakdown.  I was once told “With what you have and are going through, you are quite entitled to have wobbly moments”.

Maybe that’s true.  But why should it be ok to have my wobbly moments. I don’t want wobbly moments, I don’t want to think the way I do, because I never used to think this way.  But I do.  Not all the time, in fact very rarely, but when things get too much, I find myself questioning what the heck I’m doing here.

I have never opened up about this, never told anyone how I feel, till this week.  I told my husband how i felt and he told me “not to talk like that”.  And i get that, I didn’t want to talk about it or even tell him, I didn’t want to upset him, but I had to.  Something was burning inside me, I had to tell him how I felt.  I hated myself afterwards for being so honest, and for sharing that dark moment with him.  

 
But if I don’t share how I feel, who will ever know how I feel.  I don’t want to be treated any differently, looked at differently, or even constantly watched to make sure I don’t do anything silly, but at that precise moment I wanted help, and being honest was my way of asking.

Perhaps too honest…… 

  

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8 thoughts on “Wobble

  1. People find it difficult to fully understand someone’s dark place. They don’t actually realise how bad it is until they end up there themselves. Sending love! whatsapp me if you ever need to chat to someone who can relate to how you’re feeling! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and such a personal story with your readers. I was really happy to find your blog and I know there are so many people out there who can empathize and relate to your story. I know there is nothing out there that can get rid of the pain completely and as a chronic pain sufferer myself I am just constantly searching for way to alleviate my symptoms. I wanted to recommend a book that has helped me immensely called “Walking Well Again: Neutralize the Hidden Causes of Pain” by doctor Stuart Goldman (http://walkingwellagain.com/). The book is for absolutely anyone who is looking to understand the root cause of their pain better as well as how to reduce the pain without having to partake in surgeries or take medication. I find this to be so important because medication is not really fixing the problem, just taking away the pain. He also provides many case studies and examples, which are so helpful because you learn what has worked for others who suffer from a pain similar to your own.There are over 80 personal success stories within the book and it is inspirational and a must read. Hope you will check it out

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment and taking time to read my post! And thanks so much for this recommendation! It looks like a really good book, and has some great reviews! I will be saving up for this and buying as soon as I can! Thank you so much!

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  3. Kat, your post will resonate with so many! I have certainly experienced these thoughts on more than one occasion over the last few years – I think that we grieve for the life that we thought we were going to have, the loss of who we were and on those really dark days, the thought of living in pain for just one more day is too much. I have felt guilty for my husband, who has had depression, and now my sons who have both had issues – is it my fault? Who knows what would have been if chronic pain hadn’t “got” me? But I think that we all have to wobble every so often, at least to others who understand, because it is too hard to bear alone. Hang on in there and wobble with us other spoonies all you need! C x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi sweetheart. im so so sorry you had to ensure this.
    I really think your GP started the wheels in motion. Surely there was Something she could have offered you?
    Also you really did the right thing talking to your hubby. Its imperative that we share these inner most thoughts & worries with our nearest & dearest.
    Pain is the pits. It truly is. Although you dont know me personally,Im always available to talk to. Never feel that isolated again,please.
    Please Take care of You…
    xxxx
    Catherine Hanna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You would have thought so, but no, Diclofenac and out the door! I think if we all shared out thoughts and feelings more, maybe we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. And thank you, that’s so kind of you! Xx

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