Body Changes


It’s inevitable really, my body is going to change, it IS changing and probably WILL always change.  

Nobody ever warned me that I was going to wake up one day and literally feel sick of what was staring back at me in the mirror, disgusted, revolted, sick. 

Before any of this back crap happened, I was enjoying life, like I should be, like anyone should be.  But after my 1st surgery, I didn’t realise just how much I was changing.  Emotionally and physically.  I didn’t eat any more than I usually did, in fact I probably ate less, due to the side effects of all the tablets, I ate healthy, drank so much water, everything I did before, but I was less active.  Obviously.  

Being told constantly by GP’s and Surgeons “You know you really are fat” – and no I’m not exaggerating, those exact words exited their mouths countless times – is a bit of a sole destroying moment.  The thing that hurt the most? They ALL saw me prior to my 1st back surgery and knew that I wasn’t the size I am now.  But instead of helping me, it felt like they just kept beating me with the fat stick.

I had had enough of being belittled every time I visited this one specialist, that when he mentioned my weight again, I literally lost the plot.  In a sea of red list that descended I said to him “Instead of constantly saying I’m FAT all the time, why don’t you actually help me, and make my back better so I can be the person I was?  I came to you for help with my back, and you haven’t helped me, so why don’t we concentrate on that first”.

Silence.  

I think he was just as stunned as I was, that the anger towards his spiteful fat comments had actually burst through the surface, there was now no longer the elephant in the room.

The first time I was told I was fat, was enough to make this lasting impression on me.  The first time it was said, was 5 weeks after my 1st major spinal operation.  Barely able to walk, he was expecting me to run a fucking marathon and be a size zero.  Bite me.

I have never been ok with my weight, like so many other people, I’ve lost, I’ve gained and lost it all again.  I’ve never tried all these fad diets, because I just couldn’t live on a shake every day, let alone eat cabbage soup *pass the sick bucket*.  

But for the first time in my life, around 2009/2010 I was happy with my body.  Happy is a bit extreme, but I could look at myself in the mirror and not want to cry.  I got married in 2010, and you know what I actually looked pretty damned good if I do say so myself. I love to look at our wedding photo in the house and relive the day in my memory, but my heart, it’s filled with sadness, because that person staring back at me, doesn’t exist anymore.

3 months after my wedding and BOOM. My happiness snatched away from me as quick as lightning. My body will probably never be the same now, and my mental feelings towards my body will probably never be repaired.

The damage is done.  The damage isn’t going to be fixed easily.  All I can do is carry on. And hey, I will probably never run a marathon or even climb Mount Everest, but maybe one day I will learn to love what I see in the mirror.

Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to look in the mirror…..

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8 thoughts on “Body Changes

  1. I know it’s not the same but if it’s any comfort to you, the pills I take for my symptoms increase my weight as well so I have to work three times as hard to lose some weight. It’s discouraging to try to be as healthy as possible when you have a chronic illness that keeps you from being your old self. I hear you and feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Our bodies change all the time, age, medication, mind, health, I get told regularly I’m fat and it’s not very helpful. Concentrate on making your mind happy and the rest will follow. Don’t listen to them or look to them for advice it’s clear they’re not going to help. I’m sorry, no matter what they say you are beautiful. Xxx

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  3. My youngest daughter is told that same thing at every consultant appointment and I also lost the plot and said much the same as you Kat. Silence and back peddling spewed forth from this particular consultants mouth. They don’t like it when you answer back but after nearly 10 years of treatments and not much further forward it needed to be said, especially when the medications she takes the side effects are weight gain! But a miracle happened with the new consultant last month when my daughter and I said we know you’re going to use Fat as one of the many excuses and she said most definitely not as that wasn’t helping anyone, she used the term ‘adult size’ with a nice smile and said they hadn’t really done anything to help my daughter over the last few years but that was going to change. So here’s hoping xx Big hugs Kat and I hope you find someone who doesn’t judge on what they see instead of seeing the person inside where we are all beautiful xxx

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    1. I’m so glad you stood up for your daughter! There’s nothing worse than being put down and belittled by the person that is supposed to be an expert and there to help you! Thank you for your lovely words! Xx. Big hugs to you and your lovely girl too xxx

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  4. I’m sorry for your pain. It can be rough to maintain your weight after back or foot surgery. I’m a small woman but I,put on a few pounds after surgery myself. I took myself under control and really worked on my weight when I was able to move around again. I particularly watched portion sizes.

    I think what is important is that as long we really do eat healthy and exercise daily, we should be OK with ourselves and our body type. Not everyone will ever be a size two, nor should they be.

    Love your life and God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

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