Terrified 

Another month and another review with my surgeon.  It’s been 3 months since he last saw me, so it was a bit nerve wracking seeing him again, not knowing what he was going to say.  I get so bloody anxious every time before an appointment, and with him, there’s no need to be.  He is a true gentleman, and he is certainly nothing to worry myself about.

So the outcome – nothing new really.  He still can’t do anything for me, surgically, I’ve gone as far as I can go, and the options left to me – Spinal Fusion or a Spinal Cord Stimulator – are not recommended due to the chances of them working being almost non existent and they would only help leg pain, NOT back pain which is my main problem.

So.  Back to square 1 again. Seems I have gone full circle, yet again. So why did I leave that appointment terrified?

I know I will never be better now.  I know I will never have a pain free life ever again, and I have to be realistic about that, and that’s ok, well not Ok, but I’m trying to come to terms with that.

No, what terrifies me, is the not knowing.  Since my last surgery to this “new” pain starting, was 18 months.  18 months is not a long time.  And that’s what scares the crap out of me.  I seem to have gone down hill a bit quicker than I would have liked or even imagined.  So yeah that scares me, but what scares me even more, I dont have an answer for this extra pain. Nothing.  No reason, no label, no diagnosis.

How can I live like this? I wake up every morning not knowing if I’m going to be able to move.  My body feels about 200 years old.  My body is giving up on me.  And why? Nobody has a clue!

Let me put it another way.  If someone had said to me “Katrina, the reason you have this pain is because you have a gigantic hole in your disc” then great, I’d accept that.  Atleast then id have an answer for why I can’t stand up or walk and why my back is being so bloody cruel and brutal towards me. 

But no. No answer, no explanation, nothing.

So yeah, I’m terrified.  I’m terrified of the not knowing, the future and what it holds.  I’m terrified of getting worse, and I’m terrified of losing grip of what little control I have left over my life.

It’s so bloody daunting and an awful situation to be in right now.  

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