Fibromyalgia. Not a word I’d ever heard of till I became ill. And now it’s a word that’s associated with my life because I’m Chronically ill.
And just when I thought life was possibly settling down, I was getting in to some sort of routine with my body, I discover that it has a different idea.
11th April 2017.
The day I finally lost the plot, got angry and came away with the diagnosis I’ve been fighting so long for. The day someone finally took me seriously.
Yup, muggins over here finally got the Fibromyalgia diagnosis to add to my never ending list of problems.
I can’t say that I was pleased to finally have the diagnosis, why would I be pleased? But now finally, I have it in writing, oh and also I am now being believed by the medical world. So pleased? Not so much. Relieved, exhausted, pissed – most definitely.
After all the research I did, the people I spoke to, the 18 months of endless appointments and the 2 specialists I saw, my battle was over. But the one thing that the specialist said to me “And what will having the diagnosis mean for you” – has stuck with me. Of course, having this diagnosis means that I am infact not going insane. My body is actually fighting something, and the symptoms now have a reason for being there.
But I can’t help feeling he was right. What has it meant for me? Nothing. I left that consulting room deflated. I had fought for so bloody long, that when he finally agreed with me, that was it. Nothing. No more to be said. No more to be done.
I think knowing I’ve had Fibromyalgia for so long has tainted my feelings. I’ve subconsciously known for so long that the exhaustion, fatigue, itching, restless limbs, hot and cold sweats (etc etc) were “because of something” and probably most likely it was Fibromyalgia, I’ve carried on living my life the best way I can. I’ve adapted and learned from things. So I guess 18 months of “coping” has hardened me to actually, finally hearing the words. Hearing that I was right all along.
But come time I hope to have a better outlook and a way forward. If life would stop beating me down, maybe I’ll get there.