That first day, the day when I couldn’t take the excruciating pain any longer, was the day I needed your help the most. What I needed was reassurance, what I got was the polar opposite. All I wanted to do that day was scream and cry, all you wanted to do was judge me.
I remember sitting in your office, staring at your face and glancing at those medical books piled high, not neatly stacked, at the edge of your desk, with your words falling on deaf ears. I think someone had hit the mute button. The pain had well and truly taken control, and I was no longer in the room, hell I’m not even sure I was still in my own body.
Do you remember the words you said to me? “You’re Fat. If you loose some weight the pain will go away”. Only the pain didn’t go away. The pain got worse as the minutes ticked past. What you failed to notice after examining me, was the seriousness of my problem. My disc had slipped and was crushing my nerves and nipping my spinal cord. But it’s OK. The diazepam and exercise would sort it you said. After all I was just fat.
The next time I returned, some years later, I didn’t see you, it was someone else. I had learnt my lesson, and chose for it to be this way. Hopeful, and in desperate need of help, I told you about the pain, and how I knew this pain from a time before. My hopes were dashed when I was told it was just sciatica, and to take more painkillers. Once again, you failed to listen to me and my plea for help. You dismissed me within 5 minutes of seeing you. You dismissed the seriousness again.
My disc was on my spinal cord again, pinching every nerve possible.
I never want to ask for help. But on those days, it was your help I desperately needed. I had plucked up the courage to see you, after dealing with the pain for longer than I should have done. I had to ask for help. I asked, and look where it got me.
You saw me as a hypochondriac, attention seeking and drug seeking. You saw what you wanted to see and yet you failed to see the human being infront of you. You chose the quick and easy way out. You chose not to help me. YOU failed me.
I won’t ever forget those days. Those days when I wanted a caring person to believe me, help me and see the desperation within my soul. I wanted you to look in to my eyes and see the hurt, the pain. Those days, you didn’t listen to me. Those days that you chose to ignore me.
Those early days, were the days that changed my life. The life I now have to deal with. Not you. Me.
Those were the days you didn’t listen to me.
© 2017 Katrina Wilson / Chronically Composed. All Rights Reserved