I woke up today exhausted, but it’s the same exhaustion I woke up with yesterday. And the day before that too. In fact I’m pretty sure this is how I felt last week aswell.
For 6 years now I’ve never had a full night’s sleep. I’m sleeping anywhere between 2-5 hours a night, and on the 2 hours sleep I’m use to man nor beast the following day.
But for the past 2 years my exhaustion has also made a little friend. Fatigue. These two together, well its a bit like adding fuel to flames, it’s going to have an effect no matter how hard I try to “push” through it.
I had always felt tired because I was always trying to do too much, and that’s probably still true to the present day, but it’s beyond tiredness. It’s an exhaustingly, achy, mind numbing tiredness that just seems to gather momentum no matter how hard you try to stop it. And once it’s hit you like a ton of bricks, you don’t have the option to keep going. You are floored. It’s a tiredness you never even knew existed, it has now, firmly, rooted itself in your everyday existence.
A fatigue so bad, that at some point during the day you can go on no longer and the inevitable “40 winks” needs to happen. A disco nap if you must. But depending on the level of exhaustion, that disco nap can sometimes turn in to a full blown sleep. The “dead to the world” sleep, the type of sleep you now crave to happen at night, it inevitably doesn’t.
Try as I may, I’ve always fought hard not to sleep during the day, but when your body is so exhausted, your brain is ceasing and your words make no sense, the only option you have is to rest.
Perhaps when you wake, everything will be better, you’ll feel more human again, be able to string a sentence together and function, but that’s not a given, it’s a hope and a prayer. But when you do waken, the exhaustion is more than likely going to be worse. You never feel rested, you never feel better, you just wake more exhausted than before you closed your eyes, the only difference is, you’ve now lost hours of your day and achieved very little in the process.
Never did I think I’d be 32 and so tired I need to sleep during the day. But I also never thought I’d be fighting against my own body to live. To survive. To carry on being me.
It’s a battle I’m not winning right now, but, slow and steady wins the race.