Currently – Part 2

So if you have read Part 1 – HERE, then you will know about my current situation.  

I don’t get called Mrs Wilson, or Katrina Wilson anymore, it’s always Katrina, probably on first name basis because he has seen me so much! Well he has delved around in my spine, so I suppose that allows him to call me whatever he likes.. Anyway deviating from the subject….

My lovely surgeon proceeds to tell me and hubby that he has looked at my latest MRI scan, and he doesnt see any disc bulge – thank god! But he also doesnt think there appears to be any sign on infection either.  What!?  So what is it then!  

So to make sure, and with also fresh eyes, I’m going to be presented to a team of spinal specialists/surgeons. When I say me, I mean my scans.  He told me that as I’m such a “complex” case (his words!), he wants to see if anyone else can see anything wrong.  Ok. Let’s do it. Nervous. 

A month passed and I still haven’t heard back from him, so after numerous calls I finally get told he wants to see me.  

2 days later…. “Katrina” comes from the corridor again. Gulp. 

So this big meeting was had, and none of the specialists could see anything wrong, no infection, nothing.  Great, my heart sunk.  There is something wrong, I know there is, but I can’t put my finger on what it is, and clearly neither can anyone else.  What is my body doing to me!? 

It’s at this point I start to wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me.  Do I really have this new pain? Am I just imagining it? Maybe there is nothing wrong like he says? Perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps I’m just over thinking things. 

So next steps? Well there’s only going to be one step. Antibiotics.  He spoke about this before, but it was dismissed as I didn’t have an infection, but now it seems it’s back on the table, but why? Why?Well because this is my last step, if I don’t have this treatment, there are no other steps.  There is nothing more he can do for me.

He said those words to me, but in such a way like he didn’t want to say them.  They were forced words.  It’s not the news he wanted to give me, and I could tell.  It’s not the news I wanted either. “I’m sorry but there are no other options, there’s nothing more I can do to help you”. Wow. That’s it. 

So now there’s this whole argument going on with my GP and him, over antibiotics, my GP says there’s not enough evidence to support this mediation with back pain – even though she was sent research and findings along with the request.  So now I have no idea what’s happening.  But what I do know is everyone seems to have forgotten that I’m still here.  I’m still in the same bloody agonising pain the GP dismissed me with back in October.  Still here, still in pain, still waiting. 

I still don’t think it’s sunk in.  There’s nothing more that can be done for me.  Some days it’s all I can think about, others I try to occupy my mind to forget about it. Either way it’s still there, niggling away at the back of my thoughts. 

What do I do now?  I always thought this day would come, but maybe when i was like 80 – not about to turn 31.  I have no idea how to take this, how to handle it and what to even do.  

I’m lost.